Ben Stokes will be back in 3 months to "f**k some sh*t up"

And a last minute gift idea

Maybe Mel could play Ben if there’s a movie

I had a vigorous chat with a former England captain the other night over the strengths and weaknesses of Ben Stokes. It was timely then to see him hit the twittersphere on Friday, promising us he would be back to “f**k some sh*t up” .

Well, he’ll be doing that as soon as the hamstring he recently f****d up heals.

The Durham all-rounder will have surgery in January and will be out of action for three months, but has promised to live up to the “Phoenix permanently inked on his back” by returning for more “blood sweat and tears”.

Ben’s hamstring could be a metaphor for Ben’s cricket.

Having wrapped up the series against NZ - and having recently recovered from a torn hamstring - the skipper bowled 37 overs in the dead rubber third Test before re-tearing the same.

If you could sue yourself for negligence he’d have a reasonable case.

There’s a lot to love about the way Ben Stokes plays cricket, but his unbridled bravado sometimes proves costly.

England played 17 Tests in the year, won nine of them and lost eight. When they are good, they are very good, when they are bad they get beaten by 423 runs - as they did in the last game in NZ.

In 2024 they lost 4-1 to India and 2-1 to Pakistan, but are a much better team than those results suggest.

England cricket has managed to renew itself in 2024 a way Australian cricket can only envy. Gus Atkinson (26), Jamie Smith (24) and Brydon Carse (29) and Jacob Bethell (21) have all come into the set-up and impressed. Harry Brook (25) now has 24 Tests under his belt and is averaging almost 60.

And then there’s Joe Root, who just seems to be getting better and better.

Stokes crash through or crash approach inspires the dressing room and excites the fans. Its downsides, however, can be measured in a win loss record that would have any other nation questioning its approach. Stokes declaration in the first Test of the Ashes was the kind of high-risk approach he favours. That bravado - and the Manchester weather - arguably cost them the series.

Similarly that bravado which saw the skipper bowl himself into the ground has now seen him ruled out for three months.

Stokes is not one for laying down and has gone so Braveheart on social media I half expect him to have been typing it in blue face:

Funny how the world has turned, eh? Australia has got Pat Cummins, the man the culture war wankers call “Captain Woke”. Pat’s mild-mannered and not for making big statements - or promises to f**k things up. Australian cricket is, in contrast to England’s, conservative in approach.

There’s a thrilling Border Gavaskar Trophy to complete and other assignments to complete ahead of next summer’s Ashes, but the old enemy is - Captain Braveheart aside - looking up for the challengers.

THAT LAST MINUTE XMAS GIFT

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