The Pentecostalists versus The Shapeshifters

Peter Lalor on Born Again England

Peter Lalor

England has accepted defeat in the fourth Test and the series with relative grace.

Sure, Ben Stokes offered the assessment that he thought the game was closer than the five wicket margin in the scorebook, but in a game where they were forced to abandon their attack-at-all-costs approach the skipper’s public utterances barely raised an eyebrow.

And, then there’s the fact that England was never going to win anyway.

“We didn’t have a chance in hell of even competing with India,” Stokes, confusingly, claimed.  “But even today that wasn’t an easy win for India and I think they would admit that. I’m very proud of the way every player has thrown everything at India. No one has taken a backwards step.”

They’ve always got a rationalisation or an excuse this outfit, but claiming you were never a chance in India - against a side that is without five of its senior players - is extraordinary, but not the wildest claim they’ve made in the past few years.

Indisposed and unemployed, as I have recently been and become, there has been more time than usual to tune into this fascinating series between Stokes’ wide-eyed Pentecostalists and Rohit Sharma’s shape shifting outfit.

It has not disappointed. Born Again England has played some great cricket, and like Australia one year before it, backed a pair of untested spinners who have landed into the upper echelon of the game almost fully formed. Interesting tangent: Shoaib Bashir was recently playing for Lindfield in Sydney’s Shires competition.

India has blessed us with the unveiling of Yashasvi Jaiswal, a cricketing Krishnamurti, radiantly youthful and blessed with a talent and a temperament that suggests we are in the presence of an unearthly presence.

For the less spiritual they have unleashed the brutish talents of Sarfaraz Khan. Man of the match in just his second Test, Dhruv Jurel, is, at the age of just 23, another discovery.

Full disclosure: I still have shit on my liver about the way England carried on during The Ashes. The scenes at Lord’s looked bad on video and were worse close at hand. The gin and privileged soaked members were one thing, the crowd another, but the inaction of the ECB or the morally superior Stokes and Baz McCullum was another.

The English team egged on that behaviour and endorsed when the coach announced that his side would snub any invite to drink with the Australians at tours end. As they did. And the why of that tawdry scenario was hardly surprising: they were so caught up with celebrating themselves they didn’t have time for those less enlightened.

I’ve heard from people who were there for the meeting later that night - Stokes claimed it was arranged, the Australians say it wasn’t - and they described extraordinary scenes where some senior members of the England group made it clear they wanted nothing to do with their opponents.

Bathed in the bright Bazball light, the English cricket camp was blind to the world that existed beyond its centre.

Ollie Robertson gave us a glimpse when he revealed after the loss at Edgbaston that inside the dressing room McCullum had convinced them they’d come out on top.

“It feels like we’ve won, lads,” the coach told them.

“We try to create memories and be the team everyone is talking about,” Robinson continued.

Well, that claim created an indelible memory for everybody not on the inside of the cult that had told them there were no consequences, that they were the chosen ones who would rescue Test cricket.

It was the young cricketers who were buying this stuff by the kilo and so excited by it they had to tell the world. Who can forget Harry Brook saying that no matter what the result at Old Trafford “it almost can make it a moral victory”?

The Ashes as a morality play was a running theme. McCullum couldn’t help but point to his elevation and enlightenment after the Lord’s affair and was patronising in his assessment of Pat Cummins’ captaincy.

“With the benefit of hindsight ... I was lucky enough to play for a long period of time, and you learn over a long period that the game and the spirit of the game is so vital to this great game,” he said.

“It’s one thing we’ve got that other sports maybe don’t have, and to uphold that is such an important part of it, and I think in the end you’ve got to live with the decisions you make, and that’s life. But I feel, from our point of view, if we were in the same situation, we might’ve made a different decision.”

If only Australia was so morally evolved, eh?

The suspicion that there was something cult-ish about England’s new doctrine was hard to shake.  After a rain interrupted fourth day at The Oval the media went down to the indoor nets for the post play presser. A gaggle of England players, including Root, James Anderson, Stuart Broad and Zak Crawley were playing a game of - is it called “Keepy Uppy”? - in the adjoining net.

So obviously caught up in their own bubble, they continued on even shouting and giggling to the point that a clearly agitated Michael Di Venuto struggled to hear the first question from AAP reporter Scott Bailey. They were quieted soon after but it just didn’t sit right. That self-obsession/lack of self awareness was somewhat reminiscent of the behaviours you see among the Happy Clappy kids.

Against India, we’ve had more of the same.

Ben Duckett’s take on Jaiswal was next level dumb.

“When you see players from the opposition playing like that, it almost feels like we should take some credit that they’re playing differently than how other people play Test cricket,” Duckett said.

“We saw it a bit in the summer and it’s quite exciting to see other players and other teams are also playing that aggressive style of cricket.

Duckett, was one who has been convinced he is one of cricket’s chosen people, put here to lead the game to the promised land.

Don’t get me wrong here, I love the way they play now. It is such a relief after witnessing that hollow-eyed mob led by Joe Root when they visited Australia during the pandemic years. Flogged by a board that was apparently more concerned with its financial bottom line than it was the welfare of its players, they arrived desiccated and demoralised.

They were husks of themselves, leaking spinal fluid and losing games.  

Post captaincy Joe Root - Joe Root Unplugged if you like - is the personification of the positive effect Bazball has had on the players and the team.

There is, however, an arrogance and lack of self awareness about this outfit that is hard to stomach and disappointing to behold. The youngsters in particular are prone to obnoxious and disturbing outbursts of hubris, beholden as they are to the gospel of their two elders: Stoke and McCullum.

There is, without doubt, a number of cult characteristics to the mob whose gospel promises to save souls, I mean, Test cricket.

Psychology Today claims there are 12 stages in your standard cult and Bazball certainly ticks the first three of those: The Big Idea, Love-Bombing and A New Life.

England has lost five of its last nine matches. Failed to win a series against Australia at home or India away and sit second last on the World Test Championship table but no doubt believe such metrics should not apply.